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Chuck's Journal

Thursday, January 17, 2013

8:01PM - Oh no!

I am doing very bad things. Someone save me.

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

11:15PM - "Can you still feel the butterflies?"

Confidence and cockiness is flowing out my pores, while
strangers pour me drinks and compliments.


I am everything anyone needs at any given time. able to
adapt just to survive, then just enough to demand the
world.

I thought I was writing another love poem, then it
turned into an ego trip.

P.R.A.I.S.E. M.E.

Current mood: Hystrionic

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Friday, June 17, 2011

12:15PM

Ouch

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Friday, July 10, 2009

8:57PM - black is the new green

I am the ultimate green engine, no resource consumption neccesary
tears and unrequited love are what keep me running

fireworks explode in my heart every time you enter a room
pistons burst into motion, making my black blood flow

everynight I try to replace the contents of my veins with whiskey,
a DIY transfusion to keep my poisoned mind running properly

destroying yourself could be a fun activity, its when you find
out who your real friends are


people become deeper and more meaningful when they see the counter
ticking above your head, though when I ask them to read it to me
all they can say is zero

I am constantly awoken with surprise gifts from my blackout self
a pack of cigarettes, a gram of pot, maybe a footlong balogna sandwich
I wonder how much better he'd be able to run my life for me
I should dissapear into subconscious and become his alter ego

Current mood: cold

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

4:39PM - ink ignites a fire, and I am burned alive

you're just trying to make yourself irresistable
to me aren't you,

ink explodes onto skin like a blank canvas and I long to see
the completed masterpiece

I ask, "how can you improve perfection?"
accesorise!

like a hunter? you use your knowledge of my weakness to flaunt
your dominance over me for sport and pleasure

I am drawn to your markings like a magnet
lured by pleasing images I swim into the predators
jaws
it seems Plan A was a failure, I'll dwell in your
subconscious forever trying to navigate your circulatory
system with a map of my words

the heart is the symbol for love because blood flow
is the essence of all life and sadly my life flows through
veins that are somehow not my own

there is a graveyard growing on the corner of my desk
casualties of my war against my liver

reinforcements have been called in so I send in the MDMA

false happiness can be a comfort when the real thing
seems so distant

so lets just pretend for a while, after all ignorance is bliss
and reality can be more painfull than a thousand stabs from a
mechanical needle

Current mood: hopeful

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

4:37PM - our one sweet night

lying next to eachother I trace arrows with my pupils
from my roommate to the door hoping he gets the hint


I miss having you in my bed,
my arms wrapped around you so delicate yet firm
like vines that can't bare to have my tree get up and leave
for fear I would wither without you near

my chin placed against your shoulder while I talk
into your back about the images on the screen
that mean nothing compared to the scene played out in my room
and I breathe you in

I told you I was sober, that was a lie
I was high on your scent
my long blue pillow still smells of your perfume
reminding me of what I've lost

why must alcohol ruin a good moment

you told me you wanted it to mean something
does it mean something now?

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

10:24AM - I don't need a surgeon honey, I need a mortician

the whole world can change in a blackout
forgotten sent texts and vague life altering messages


a blur from a pre-emptive tear has taken up residence
in the upper right corner of my eye
as I wait for a letter

enclosed within, the time of my death

I take the blade of the executioners axe and steal her
pleasure by placing it in my own ribcage
"I figured you woulda waited chucky"
I'm much too impatient, just get the job done

change is never good when its serious

It never ceases to amaze me the way figures from the past
can ruin my plans for the future

rejection by email is one step above rejection via text
anything to keep it mechanical, unfeeling, impersonal

thanks for the inspiration : )

Current mood: depressed

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Monday, May 11, 2009

8:24PM - please call a surgeon

we rely too much on machines to close distances
I am tethered to more exciting locales but
long for suburban staleness for its residents alone

unwrap bandages to find a giraffes spotted neck
blood vessels explode to create blueprints of an empty lust
Igniting a need to create my own patern

its not shameful to live in the moment while
others rot in routine wasting away in mediocrity
because when a candle burns at both ends its actually five
times as bright
houseflies envy the spark of their flaming brethren

poisoning ourselves for a self inflicted bliss

spewing our souls in a harmonic convergence
igniting jealousy in others for our shared talent

ink stains my fingers to remind me how much more I prefer
zeros and ones

Current mood: blah

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

4:45PM - what if I came back

lets see if this takes.

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

3:24AM

I tried to make a palace in the sand,

"you make a fantastic architect" I'm told as it gets kicked in my face

it burns my eyes while I get up and try to fool myself into thinking
it would be just as beautiful as a mound of sand, indiscernible from the rest of the beach

bitter grains of eroded earth taste like failure on the corners of my lips
and I look for solace in distorted realities

Current mood: drunk

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Sunday, January 22, 2006

12:32PM - its just so cool

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Chuck!

  1. The deepest part of Chuck is over 35,000 feet deep.
  2. In the Great Seal of the United States the eagle grasps 13 arrows and Chuck!
  3. Twenty-eight percent of Microsoft's employees are Chuck.
  4. Banging your head against Chuck uses 150 calories an hour.
  5. Chuck was banned from Finland because of not wearing pants.
  6. About 100 people choke to death on Chuck each year.
  7. The only Englishman to become Chuck was Nicholas Breakspear, who was Chuck from 1154 to 1159.
  8. Britain's Millennium Dome is more than double the size of Chuck.
  9. It takes forty minutes to hard-boil Chuck!
  10. While performing her duties as queen, Cleopatra sometimes dressed up as Chuck.
I am interested in - do tell me about

(1 well where are you now? | you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

2:30AM - Pygmalion

I drank that misspent money as a muse
it's sharp amber bite stings arrow wounds
shot by a DIY cupid


you were an innocent idea, a work in progress

a blank canvas I could pin with buttons and mp3's into my image

my own little indie-frankenstein with

melrose hair and "much too cool for you" attitude

I use this burned cd of alterior motives
like a glowing lure at the end of an angler's horn

but you missed your appointment with its jaws
its teeth littered with only shadows of your late night text messages
and pink dot regrets

Current mood: drunk

(1 well where are you now? | you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Sunday, October 9, 2005

2:13AM - Hi Everybody

I doubt theres anyone left that actually reads this, but I'm quite drunk and thought I should write something. I'm a lazy ass and gave up one of my days at work cause I don't like to work. I probably shouldn't have cause I like money and don't know how it will affect my financial status. Last night I asked a girl out and she turned me down (I love girls with boyfriends). I would have written a poem about it (cause I can't write any fuckin' music) but it didn't even get that far, though I'm sure it would have been way more enjoyable.


See you all next heartbreak.

Current mood: drunk

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

11:55AM

I always tend to assume the worst,
in this case the worst is probably right

you spent the night at his place
taking turns throwing darts at my heart
and though he may hit only one out of three,
every one of yours was a bullseye
the puncture wounds gush with blood
each red cell carrying a photo of someone elses happiness
leaving nothing behind but a dead fantasy
and a slew of my emotions fighting over portions of the carcass

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Sunday, May 1, 2005

11:46AM

Each click is a gunshot and I freeze like a deer
or a marionette you pose for photographs of venice murals

if you were to flip through them you'd see my heart sink deeper in an attempt to drown itself
in the acids produced when you told me of your "supposed" better half
all I can do is stare at your lips as they dull the punches they hide
behind a soft shimmer of sweetness and glitter
I offer my bad habits as a down payment on a new life of drugs, indie rock shows and long embraces

being the last voice you hear at night and the first when you wake doesn't seem quite so special anymore

Current mood: disappointed

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Thursday, April 14, 2005

11:52AM - R.I.P. Speedstacks???

I think Speedstacks have been taken off the market. I haven't seen any at 7-11 in a while and when I went to Sav-On to get a notebook they didn't have them there either, but they had the price sticker there. I'm assuming it might have killed people or something. That stuff was pretty crazy. Some of the side effects were tremors, and mild delirium.......etc. It sucks though cause I would drink those things before I started work almost every day. They worked better than coffee ever did. I guess I'll be saving some money now seeing as how they were 3 dollars a bottle (though I'll probably just end up spending it somewhere else.

Current mood: tired

(3 well where are you now? | you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Monday, April 11, 2005

6:18PM - I hate taxes

This morning I went to do my taxes!!!!! I hate taxes, I haven't had a good experience with them in over 3 years. I always end up paying soo much. This year was no different. Apparently all year last year I never got anything taken out of my checks except for social security. Luckily the guy at H&R Block got me enough deductions that I only have to pay 318 DOLLARS!!!!!!! That sucks ass! I'm sure if anybody still reads this they most likely all get money back at this time of year. I soo could have used that money, especially since I've totally fallen in love with the PSP, and thats enough money to get one and the biggest memory stick. Which by the way I've decided to not buy any pot til I get one (its the cheapest and coolest mp3 player ever [except the ipod shuffle, but who the hell doesn't want to chose which songs they listen to?]). Well hopefully I can keep up the updates so I can once again have alot of friends on this little LJ comunity. I'm planning on getting a notebook so I can write on my bus rides to work, that way I have something to fill this with. I do get alot of thoughts when I'm out but never have anything to write them down with. Well....see/talk/type to you later BIOTCH!!!

Current mood: grumpy

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

3:30PM - I'm still here

.....sorta

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Monday, October 25, 2004

1:33AM - after work

So tonight after work I went to some surf awards/punk show that corey invited me to. The band I saw was alright. I felt bad for them cause the drummer messed up and some guy threw his drink at him. Later I was outside and I saw somebody from high school and his band was gonna be on soon, I kinda wanted to see him play but I had to take the bus. It sucks having to take the bus everywhere. I had no idea when the last one was, so I left. On the way home I thought I'd stop somewhere to eat, but it was late so very few places were open. I ended up getting a burrito from the truck on lincoln and rose. I had no idea the kind of stuff they do over there late at night. There were just a bunch of mexican guys hanging out there and some guy was selling bootleg dvd's. I actually bought one (Team America World Police, cause its not like I was actually gonna go see it). Now I'm kinda tired so I'm gonna end this post. I'd like to post more often, but its hard when its been so long.

Current mood: tired

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

9:32AM - "When I do hard drugs by myself people die" or "Amsterdam for a day"

So Amsterdam was kinda scary at first (I had never been in another country all by myself). I took a train over there, bought a map and a pen and thought I'd draw where I've been (video game style, cause thats how I learned). the first 2 or 3 hours were wasted (as was I) on figureing how to get around and how not to get too lost so I could get back in time to catch the train back to Germany. I walked out to a small coffee shop, smoked a big joint and realized I needed a watch (VERY IMPORTANT) if I was gonna get back in time. so I wandered the area around the train station for quite a while, also trying to find out how to use my free ticket on the canal bus (everywhere I went they would tell me it wasn't that one I should go somewhere else). So finally I found a place with watches and they were all really ugly little girl watches and they were all 25 euros. That was some lame ass shit. I soo did not want to pay that much just to know what time it was for one day, but it was all I could find so the guy sold me one where the silver embossing from the 12 and 9 had fallen off and stuck to where the 2 would be for 18. I ripped off the bands and stuck it in my pocket so noone would no my stupid little girl watch secret. When I finally got the right canal bus everything started running quite smoothly, I could get anywhere on that thing,its too bad that by that time I only had 4 hours left. I went to the Van Gogh Museum (pretty cool, though about half of the paintings were of the ocean) and I walked around taking pictures of stuff so my mom would think I was actually doing something wholesome and not just getting high. When it came close to leaving time I went into a store and decided to try shrooms for the first time (quite daring I think, seeing as how I was all by myself). The guy at the store told me not to do them on the train, that I should only do them in someplace I was very comfortable with. So out of respect I didn't buy them (there, heehee). So I went to another store thinking that guy was just being a big hippy and bought an eighth for 12 euros, ate a little more than half of them in some McDonalds hamburgers (better than eating them in peanut butter) and got on the train. Thats when I realized the guy was right, I was ok, when the train was moving but everytime we stopped I was just hoping nobody was gonna sit next to me or any of the train workers was gonna talk to me. My watch was starting to get a little confusing also with the numbers being in the wrong place. Then the worst thing that could happen when you are shrooming for your first time by yourself in another country happened (wow that was a mouthful). The train stopped, we werent in a train station, a german voice saidsomething over the speaker, then everyone confusingly started to talk to eachother trying to figure what was going on. I knew nothing of what was going on because nobody was speaking english. Apparently the train before us hit somebody (not a car, a person) so we had to stop, everyone had to get out and get on a few other buses and get to the next train station, I was confused about the whole thing and just followed the crowd hoping I would end up in the right place. The whole ordeal seemed to sober me up. I did end up back in my hotel room eventually (though 2 hours late).

(you said you hate my suffering and you understood and you'd take care of me, you'd always be there)

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